the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Hippo gnu deer
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
