Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
And then my night got REAL pukey
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
