I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
