Having a random hookup so left but love u
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
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