I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
