even my farts smell like vagina
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
