I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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