It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
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