I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
