So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
