tell your sister to shave her snatch
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Then you guys just all showered together...?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
