You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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