no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
