you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
