I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
