this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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