is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Randomize
