I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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