fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!
What does that mean?
How when the cu k dos I yet u
Focus
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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