U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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