"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
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