I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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