Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
