We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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