why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
