listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Randomize
