Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
