If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
