Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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