My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
