Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
