Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
