You blewit but ill be back in laekciew tonigthso calll mee
there's paper in my vomit.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
