my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
