I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
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