I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
