so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
