i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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