I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
