OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
