I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He felt like a one man threesome
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
