There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
