she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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