Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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