My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
