How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
