I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Randomize
