dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
