I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
Randomize
