yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
